Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
