I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
