she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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