Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
