so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
