Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
