I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Randomize