Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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