Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
