Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
