the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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