I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
