I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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