I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
