K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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