i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Holy shit dude........stairs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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