My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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