I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
