His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
