i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
