I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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