We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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