good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
