Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
