he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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