so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
