Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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