that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
