i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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