Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i love accidental penises.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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