So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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