just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
