A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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