I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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