she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
