so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
