im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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