Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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