he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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