I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
