at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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