By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
