New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
