i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
