Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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