he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
