If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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