he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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