i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Less talking, more tequila
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Send help, water and tortillas.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
as a side note pls kill me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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