There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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