if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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