When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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