I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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