i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
