i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
