How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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