Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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