Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
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Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize