I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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