How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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