Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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